This week is my last week of therapy before Christmas. I am not excited about my session but I am ok with going and last week was helpful, if not a fair bit painful.
This is a brief post this week, but people have asked me what anxiety makes me do, how it manifests in my mind, and what attributes and signs do I show or feel.
This diagram sums up a lot of the feelings, reactions and physical “manifestation” (for want of a better word) that happen to me.
(This was sourced from social media, I cannot link to it’s creator, but if you know who they are please say so, and I will credit them)
I do have difficulty managing emotions but I don’t cry a lot. I am not defiant or challenging (or at least I don’t think I am, this is the bit where all my friends and family chime in that I am and THEN my therapist and I will have even more to think about. I do avoid events sometimes but mostly I tend to push myself hard to prove myself and then struggle with utter exhaustion afterwards and anxiety about how people perceived me.
Take on too much, in my life, to prove to myself that I am strong, capable, and to make other people happy.
Try to please everyone else at the expense of my own mental health.
Spend a lot of time worrying about things I have done and what people think of me and how much people are talking about the mistakes I may or may not have made.
Have panic attacks, you can’t tell, I may look normal but inside I feel like I cannot breathe, my heart races and I feel like I may pass out. It can happen out of the blue or in periods of real stress.
Either don’t eat at all, because I forget to eat, or I comfort eat.
Have short term memory issues. Anxiety does that.
This is the face of my anxiety. This is my daily battle.
This is me.
But I am NOT BROKEN. I can and will find a way to help myself manage this mind of mine better. It’s ok to not be ok, but I want to be ok…