If my body won’t do what I want it to, I am going to break it to do something new…

I have started running again. I haven’t run in 12 months, a year. I was told to stop running this time last year, when we came to the conclusion that my knee was utterly knackered and needed the big surgery and I was told that running was damaging what was left of my knee too much. 

This year in January I was cleared to exercise and because running is the only form of exercise I truly enjoy, and get a mental as well as pysical release from I have been allowed to start gently running again. So far, so good. I can hit 3km without dying, and my knee seems to be coping. 

If you have followed our trying to get pregnant journey, you are know we are trying for one last stretch. So far, I have no good news for you, and we will carry on until our last set date. 

In the meantime, I need a focus, I need a goal. I need to not be fixating on all of the stuff that comes with trying to get pregnant for me. The blood tests, the injections, the monitoring my body, the timing of sex. 

I have decided that if my body isn’t going to do what I want it to do, then I am going to break it into something new. A focus that’s positive. This time, I am not going to let the whole trying to get pregnant thing be my only focus. 

I have signed myself up to run a 10km run in early September this year. 

I have run 5km runs before. I have run a 7km run. I have never done 10km. 

Pushing my body, to train, to work hard. To break it to do something new. A new goal. So I have signed up to run a 10km race. I have started to push myself a bit harder to aim for that. 

If we are fortunate enough to get pregnant, in the meantime, it won’t hurt to be getting my body in better shape. 

If we don’t get pregnant, I have something to keep me going. I have a new task and a new thing to focus on. I need to do something positive. 

My body has never really wanted to do what I want it to, and whilst I still have hope, it will, I also have sense of reality that it might not so I need to see beyond that and set myself a new target. I can do this, I can be in control of my body, and make it do what I want. In a way I am punishing it, but I am also making it do something good.

I am not running for anyone else, to please anyone else, to prove myself to anyone. I am doing this for me. To make my body do something to make me proud of it, something it will have to learn to do, to work hard. It will do me good, both mentally and physically. That can’t be a bad thing. I want to feel strong and do this for me. I want to make a change. 

If my body won’t give me what I want, or do what I want, if it finally decides that it’s done, that’s ok. I will break it and teach it do something new. 

I can run. I can do this. 

 

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