I am not here to fit into your world, I am here to make my own…

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I think this expression sums up how I feel. I was bored, recently, one evening, waiting for a small child to settle to sleep, doing my usual cruise through social media to see what was happening beyond the four walls of my life, and I came accross one of those silly Facebook links where you sign in and it is supposed to tell you something profound about you. I normally skip them, but for some reason I clicked. I know, roll your eyes… It allegedly was going to tell me what my slogan would be for 2018. I waited to see what stupid phrase it would come up with (the last one told me I would end 2017 pregnant, lets just say there was a major eye roll when I read that, clearly Facebook hasn’t read the memo about the state of my failed uterus and imperefect hormones! Another eye roll…) 

So, when it came back with “I am not here to fit into your world, I am here to make my own” I was rather surprised. For once, a stupid click bait link had come up with something that actually meant something. 

You see, at 41 (to even type that, is a big step for me, I am still processing my mid life crisis, you know) having walked through anxiety, a mental health crisis, self image crisis, relationship boundaries that have caused more drama than I could ever have wanted, I can finally say this. 

I am not making resolutions for 2018, other than to shift a bit of weight gained from 6 months of inactivity due to the big knee surgery, and to get a tattoo (that’s part of the mid life crisis, ongoing, I just need to brave it and go and do it) but I think I like these words, and I think they may be my new mantra, slogan, catch phrase or words to live by. 

I am not here to live my life at the behest and pleasure of others. My needs and desires do not need to be broken and squashed to fit into the unrealistic expectations of others. I am me, and my flaws and quirks are not someone else’s play thing to be used to hold me hostage. I do not have to pretend to be something I don’t want to be. Who I am, and what I want to become (because 40 and onward is really not the end of the world) is defined not by other people’s lists and wishes but what comes from my heart and what makes me tick.

I am not perfect, I am not easy, I get a lot wrong. I have my battles to fight, my demons to deal with. I also have a lot to give, and to share. I choose to do it for me, and my way. (I am humming Frank Sinatra as I type this) I don’t need the misguided and unwanted approval of the world around me. Those I love, and who love me, let me fly with my own wings and don’t try to leash me in a way that breaks my mind and my heart. I will not be told I am broken and need to be fixed in a way that suits other people but crushes what’s inside me. 

Happy New Year. May 2018 bring light and love to you. Stand strong. Stand tall. We are all walking our own journey! 

#iamnotbroken

 

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