Again…

I am sharing this because it’s cathartic for me. It helps me to get the words out and express myself, at a time when I tying to reconcile what is going on with my mind and my body. If you don’t agree with our choices or the way we live our life, or feel you need to lecture me on it being time to stop and accept it’s not meant to be, then I would appreciate it if you keep your thoughts to yourself. I don’t need to hear them. I also don’t need medical advice or thoughts on what may or may not help us to get and stay pregnant. We have expert medical help supporting us, and no herbs, oils, alternative practices or special supplements will make a difference, believe me I have tried. 

This post also contains references to miscarriage and loss. If it’s too raw for you, I would hate to cause you more pain, so please read with caution, with that in mind, or don’t carry on reading. 

Again. It’s happened again. 

I had a secret. I shared it with one or two people very close to me, because I needed to be able to express my hopes and anxieties, not just bottle it all up. The husband also knew of course. I have had to keep calm and carry on, because as I was working through the ups and downs of all of this, he was studying and writing a big exam for the start of his new job, so trying to balance my needs and hopes with helping not to stress him out has been hard too. 

I was pregnant. Last week, I had what is called an early miscarriage or end of chemical pregnancy. I was approximately six weeks pregnant. I had suspected I was pregnant from very early, but also had a funny feeling it wasn’t quite right. My doctor half agreed with me and we were waiting to see what was happening and on some pending test results. I had some pregnancy symptoms which made me vaguely that things might be ok, but I have also been here before so my common sense and practical side told me what to expect if it wasn’t right. My body doesn’t like getting or staying pregnant. It’s the same old story. 

Sadly, this time, again, it wasn’t meant to be. Last weekend, things came to and end. It was a very unpleasant and painful few hours, but my body has dealt with it and I am on the other end of recovering. I am no longer pregnant, and the tests are showing negative results and the blood test I had done confirms it. I am relieved that my body did it’s job and I haven’t had to go into hospital or take medication to help speed things up. It was hard to see what should have been, so casually disposed of, that my body had decided to reject. That bit is something you never get used to, and although I am very clinical about it, I am still mourning the loss of what could have been.

It hurt physically, and emotionally. I feel a bit battered and broken. I am angry that my body can’t do what seems to happen so easily for other people and I am slowly coming to realize that at 40, we may be done and that I can’t ride this roller coaster for much longer. My heart is broken and I am taking steps to help it heal. I am angry that we weren’t able to try for another baby more seriously a few years ago, when my body might have cooperated slightly better but because our little boy needed me and his needs were our highest priority, having another baby was not an option. Irrationally at the moment, I am angry at the system that failed him so badly for so long, that took us so long to get him the help he needed so we could focus on growing our family, and give him the sibling he desperately wants and keeps asking me for. Silly, I know. I will talk myself down about that too, as my hormones settle. 

So, again, it’s happened again. I have taken some time off from my personal Facebook, because I cannot handle the casual pregnancy announcements and pictures of newborn babies right now. I know I need to get over that too, but right now it stings too much. In a month or two, I will feel less sore and I will be able to smile and congratulate and be happy, but at the moment, all I can think is “again”, and I can’t focus on anything more than that just for now…

Comments are turned off. Thank you for reading. If you have been or are going through something similar and need to talk and take comfort knowing that someone knows how you feel and can walk along side you, please feel free to reach out to me privately via social media. 

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