I like to think that when I talk about weight loss and gain, that I know a little bit of what I am talking about. I have been both very thin and also very overweight. I have worn size 8 clothes comfortably, and also size 20. Before I go any further. When I am talking about weight loss and being over weight, I am talking about me, my body and my size. I am not fat shaming or shape shaming, or thin shaming anyone. This is about my body and getting to a good place for me and what is healthy for me not anyone else. It’s taken me a long time to remotely comfortable with my shape and size and find what is ok for me. Someone looking at me, may think that I am still not the right size or shape, and that’s also ok. (as long as they keep it to themselves, I don’t care to hear any more what someone else thinks of my body) I also don’t want to be told to love my body and accept being over weight or too thin. Neither of those is healthy for me, and I don’t like myself when I am not healthy. It’s not about disliking being fat or thin.
When I was a size 20, and weighing in at 220lb, it wasn’t healthy for me. I couldn’t paint my own toenails or tidy up my own bikini line (sorry Dad, if you are reading this, for the TMI) and I couldn’t run or walk very far without getting out of breath. My joints hurt and at the end of the day my feet would be swollen and sore. I also have a mild congenital heart condition that usually doesn’t cause me any problems, but carrying weight that was excess for me, did mean it flared up slightly and along with being told very sternly by my knee specialist, almost 18 months ago, that he wouldn’t operate to deal with the knee issues I had, until I lost some weight, the realisation came to me that really, I wasn’t in good shape and that loosing some weight might be a good idea. I was living in a form of denial, about my weight, ignoring the scale and the mirror. Wearing baggy shirts and tops and stretchy pants to hide my body. Pretending that because I was still breastfeeding, I could eat a lot of food to keep my energy up, then when my babies weaned, I ate because, chronic sleep deprivation and anxiety made me reach for the comfort that is food, for me.
But on the other extreme, I have also been very thin. Probably what society what deem as slim and attractive but that also was not particularly healthy for me. I have stood on the scales in triumph at 110lb and worn size 8 clothes with pride. I was told I looked sexy and beautiful. But you know what? Size 8 and 110lb was not healthy for me either. I had to be incredibly strict about what I ate, and exercise hard, to stay that way. My knee surgeon thinks I actually started the damage to my knee, during that time, interestingly enough.
I am currently the lightest weight, and size that I have been since before I got pregnant with my daughter, who is almost 10. I feel healthier than I have in a long time, and I like what I see. I have found a place where I am ok with my size and shape, almost. I am working on getting a bit healthier, back to being able to run 5-10km with ease (after yet more time off with knee issues) and loosing a few more pounds to hit a target that years ago I never thought I would think was where I would want to be. The heavy me would have been ecstatic to be there and the very thin me would have shuddered in horror.
Size 14, it’s not a bad place to be…