Matthew and I have a secret code, something I taught him (and actually his sister too) for when he is really struggling. When life with SPD is getting to him, or he is somewhere he is finding hard. I tell him to squeeze my hand, as hard as he can, and then I know, that he needs me. I am not a poet, but any means, but I thought I would put into words what our little coded gesture means to him and I. As his mum, I am his source of comfort when the going gets tough. One day I know he won’t need that as much, and he will manage on his own, and even though some days it’s hard on me, to be the centre of his focus where no one else will do, that’s OK, it’s my job and what I have to do to help him.
Squeeze my hand my boy,
I know you need me near.
I know inside your head is tough, and dealing with the world is rough,
but squeeze my hand, I’m here.
When it’s bothering you, come find me,
grab my hand, press hard.
When I feel that pressure, I know I have to give,
the little bit more you need, for the life you have to live.
I know one day you will figure out how to do this on your own,
the world won’t seem like such a strange place, your capacity will have grown.
But for now, I am right beside you, for when you need me most,
so squeeze my hand, my darling boy, I know you need me close.