I turn 40 in less than two weeks. It’s bothering me rather a lot. I don’t necessarily know why. Perhaps it’s because 40 seems old. It certainly seemed that way, when I was a teenager. Perhaps it’s because I am halfway to 80, and that seems rather scary. Perhaps it’s because my own mother died at the age of 45 and I have a sudden sense of my own mortality? Maybe it’s because when I look in the mirror, I can see that I am starting to look and feel older than I ever did before. I am tired and my body doesn’t bounce back like it used to, when I was half this age.
When I looked younger and not so haggard! 😉
I guess, you could say, that I am having a mid life crisis of sorts. I have done a lot introspective thinking and wondering about my life. Where I have been, what I have achieved, and what I would like to have done. I love my life, mostly, but I do have regrets and moments I would redo if I could. I think that’s pretty normal, and to reach a certain age and start to ponder your life, is not uncommon.
I am probably having a little pity party, all of my own, and frankly, I would like to be left alone to get on with it. I don’t want to be told that I am being silly. I don’t need to be told to get over it, and that 40 isn’t that bad. I know it isn’t really, but I am allowed to have my feelings about this birthday, and deal with them and process them, as I see fit. Yes, I know it’s just another number, yes I know that being 39 and 354 days will probably not be that much different from being 40 and 1 day. I do know all that. I will get over it. I will be fine, I just want to have my little moment of “Oh good grief I am turning 40, here comes middle age, I am doomed” and then I will move on. I am just about adjusting to the snotty letter that came in from the local health authority telling me “now you are forty you need a health check” aka “welcome to the age where your body will start falling apart on you, let’s rub salt into that wound”, and having to tick the 39-50 bit on forms and check lists.
I need a while to come to, to adjust and to get over it. I will. I just want to be left alone to do that. Stop trying to cheer me up, or make it all fun and a joke. I don’t need to know that 50 is worse, or “wait til you get to 60”, I am busy dealing with 40, thanks, I will deal with those when they arrive. My sense of humor has temporarily evaporated, I am hoping it will come back over birthday cocktails next week…
So, there you go. Yup, I am having a mid life crisis. and no I don’t need help to get out of it or positive encouragement, thanks. I am happy wallowing for a bit, I will be back to normal soon.
Now, about that tattoo…