Well hello again? You’re back? Or at least you think you are? You want to come back into my life…you want me to let you in and take up the space you had before?
You want to control me? You want to put me back into that place, where YOU think I should be? You whisper words of poison in my ear. Telling me I’m useless, that my expectations of myself are too high, that I’m bound to fail. You point out that really, I’m not worth the effort and that anything I do is not really good enough. You attack my parenting, my marriage, my work, my hopes and desires. You reduce me to tears. You make me think I need to seek medical help. You ruin the lovely moments and you fill my head and heart with gut wrenching dread. I physically feel unwell because of you. You make me feel constantly on guard, like I’m under attack and need to be ready to react, all the time. My emotions are all over the place and I feel broken and fragile.
The thing is, I’ve lived with you all my life. I know who you are. You nearly broke me before, but I’m growing wise. I can see you coming. You nearly sneaked up on me this time, I nearly fell for it. I almost let you win, I was on the edge of capitulating to your ways.
But, I know better, and as hard as you try, I am strong, stronger than I think. Even when I feel my worst, my weakest, my shakiest, when all I want to do is run away, admit defeat and hide, I know, that I can’t let you get to me.
I will not let YOU win. You will not break me, not this time.
Anxiety will not eat my soul, it will not take over my life. I am worthy, I am stronger than it is. I will walk this road, as dark as it sometimes can seem, I will not retreat. and I will keep saying…
I AM NOT BROKEN!