An ache…

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I have an ache. It won’t go away. It comes and goes, sometimes it’s quite noticable and makes me draw a breath, sometimes it’s very dull and I barely notice its presence. 

It’s the ache that I’ve had for a long time. The desire for another baby. To complete our family. That known but unkown person. That baby that we might have managed to have, if life hadn’t thrown some curve balls  at us, that meant a baby was not our immediate priority. Perhaps that was a mistake on our part, maybe we should have just tried to cope. We didn’t and now we are on the last stretch of attempting to rectify that. We have a few more months before I hit 40 and we declare we are “done”. That’s our deadline. What we’ve always agreed on. If it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be. I will need to find my peace with that. All the baby clothes, and other items we have saved, “for number three” will be sold or given away. I will have the much needed major knee surgery that can’t happen during pregnancy or with a small baby in tow, and life will go on, and I’ll support new mums, cuddle other people’s baby’s, play with toddlers at work, babysit for friends and eventually, hopefully the ache will fade. 

We have two beautiful, healthy children. We have a boy and a girl. I KNOW that this makes me incredibly blessed and fortunate, when others can’t have that at all and are heartbroken with trying. I know I’m selfish. As I type I know this. I know that I really shouldn’t be allowed to feel resentful when people around me fall pregnant easily, with minimal effort, unplanned even. I don’t have the right to feel the burning desire for  “number three” like I do. But I can’t help it. I just do. My children desperately want a little brother or sister, and it was always meant to be 3, not 2… 

So I write, to share the ache, because it’s easier to put it into words than to explain over and over. 

Time marches on. I look at the lovingly kept pile of baby items, and the ache creases my heart. I hope we will use them again. I’m not ready to say we won’t…

 

Matthew’s first “shoes”. I found them today whilst cleaning out some boxes. A quiet cry, and I put them aside. Maybe they’ll be worn by “number three”?

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5 comments on “An ache…
  1. Mrs H says:

    Oh bless you lovely. I understand that ache so well. And you can still realise how blessed you are and yet yearn for something desperately. It is human. And it is hard to explain the ache of desperately wanting a child that you may never have. I hope that you do get your “number three’. Hugs Lucy xxxx
    Mrs H recently posted…Rocky road cookies recipe

  2. Claire says:

    Aww I remember this too. I had 2 boy.. then another boy… then a girl!! I can’t believe how time flies though, 2 have already left for uni. I hope you get your chance for number 3 soon πŸ™‚

  3. First and foremost, you are NOT selfish. These are your feelings and you should not undermine them. As you know, I completely and utterly understand why you feel like this. I refuse to give up and that is why we are taking one step further. It is so hard when your body says no and your head says yes. Thinking of you xx
    Verily Victoria Vocalises recently posted…Ohana Means Family. Our Disney #HealthilyEverAfter Moments

  4. You can’t change the way you feel. Fingers crossed for you, or that you find peace another way x
    Stephs Two Girls recently posted…Parents are Experts

  5. Jennifer says:

    Momma of six here. You’ll know when you’re done, and it doesn’t sound like you are πŸ™‚ I hope you get what you wish for. xo
    Jennifer recently posted…Chocolate Banana Peanut Butter Protein Smoothie

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