I love this quote and am finding it comforting at the moment, because it is where I am at both on a short term, and a long term, with my parenting.
I recently hatched a plan to take the children, with just me (as LSH cannot take more leave) to go home, to Scotland, for a few days. We would take the train, we would stay near my family, we would go to see old friends of mine in Edinburgh, it would be fun. It would mean the children could spend time with their cousins, who they don’t get to see very often, I would be able to catch up with friends & family and appease the homesick ache I have in my soul, and it would make new memories and be a great time.
Having just come back from time away, as a whole family, twice, recently, and whilst both times away were amazing, thoroughly enjoyed family time, with lots of good memories, they have highlighted some things to us, and me, that have made me more aware that sometimes the plans I might have aren’t going to work.
My boy does not cope with change well as some other children do, change in routine, change of environment, meeting new people or unfamiliar places all mean he has to adapt and process in ways that wouldn’t be an issue for his peers. It takes him longer to adjust, and that can be stressful for him and for us, his parents, helping him to cope.
This makes going away have an extra layer. Sleeping in a strange place, going to meet people he has not met before, lots of travelling around, would all be more manageable with two parents to make things go smoothly.
I am not ready to do a trip on my own with the children. I thought I was, I was very excited at the prospect, but I am realizing it won’t be fair on either the children or me, to put us through a lot of stress, right now. As much as I want to go home, and see my family and friends, it isn’t something we can do right now. My son’s needs and what is best, have to come before my desires, right now.
I am disappointed, in myself (not at my boy, never my boy, this is not about him, it’s about me, realising my limits and trying to parent wisely and do what is best for him, and for all of us) that I don’t feel ready yet. Maybe I am not being as positive as I should, maybe I should just tough it out, put on my best coping hat, and do it, and maybe it will be easier than I think, but I don’t think I am ready, I know he isn’t ready, and I think it is better to not take such an adventurous trip, than regret making it, and be stressed and worried the whole time and not enjoy it. There will be other times. LSH has promised me a solo trip home before Christmas, and that we will make a plan to go and visit all together, maybe next year. I am trying to see the positive. A lot of parenting around a child with higher needs involves hindsight and realizing after the fact that you could have done things differently, this time I think realsing before I do something is a good thing…Throwing my plan out of the window, because life has intervened, but knowing it’s for the best.