This isn’t easy to write. I don’t know why, because I’ve been here before. I’m discovering that experience doesn’t matter, that this rollercoaster ride is still not fun, that it doesn’t get easier the more times you ride it…
Last week, I had a miscarriage. That makes number four since we started the journey of trying to have children 10 years ago. It was painful, unpleasant, and hurt me emotionally and physically. It’s all over now. I’ve been discharged from medical care, and now I just have to let the emotional wounds heal.
The cycle of trying to get pregnant and then staying pregnant for me is a rollercoaster. Extreme highs, and extreme lows, and once it starts, it’s not easy to get off.
My body doesn’t really like getting pregnant, and needs help to stay pregnant. We know this. We know that for us, getting pregnant may not happen as easily as it does for some. We know that loss is more of a possibility.
Why am I on this rollercoaster again, if it’s so painful? I have two healthy and amazing children, we are indeed very blessed, I know, that, when I think about what other people I know, have gone through to have their children, or who are still trying, I don’t face this lightly or without the nagging tiny voice in my head telling me I should just stop and be grateful. I’m getting that bit older, maybe I’m pushing my luck and need to turn in my ticket? These are things I ask myself, and that other people have asked me.
I don’t know why. I’m not done. I can’t quite face the end of the ride yet. I want to give it a little more time. I’m not ready to get off yet, I know this ride could be very bumpy, and at the end, I may have to turn my ticket in, and come away with nothing, but something inside of me won’t let me stop just yet. I will heal, I will try and do everything I can to make the journey work, and I will face what comes. I’m not feeling that strong, or that certain, but I’ve done this before and I know it might be ok, and that keeps me going.
So, I climb back on, strap myself in, and brace myself for the ride…